I have my own room at Mom磗 house, too.
My dad doesn磘. His stuff磗 in the garage.
Do you know how to pIay Vampire Hunter? 碈ause I just got it.
No, sorry.
You got to chop off their heads. Otherwise they碔I keep coming at you.
Do you know where your uncIe keeps the paper toweIs?
I think there磗 some up there.
Hi. You must be AIan. I磎 Cindy.
Hi.
-Hey, Jake, it磗 time to get dressed. -Wait a minute.
Can you get me a bowI from that top sheIf?
Come on, Iet磗 go.
What happened to 创Breakfast is the most important meaI of the day创?
Just go get dressed.
CharIie, there is a haIf-naked woman in our kitchen.
Which haIf?
-Hey, Cindy. -Hey, CharIie.
-How you doing? -Not bad. How about yourseIf?
Pretty good. Thanks again.
-I碔I see you soon. -Anytime.
Bye.
创How you doing创? 创Thanks again创?
CharIie, casuaI sex is one thing, but this is just Iazy.
What are you taIking about? I didn磘 have sex with her.
She just surfs out on the Point, uses my shower and goes to work.
So you磖e not sIeeping with her?
Jeez, AIan, I don磘 sIeep with every buff surfer chick that uses my shower.
What kind of guy do you think I am?
I think you磖e the Iuckiest bastard to waIk the face of the earth, but...
that磗 not my point. I don磘 want women fIashing their butt tattoos at my son.
-Cindy has a tattoo? -Yes, a butterfIy.
Right cheek or Ieft? No, wait, don磘 teII me.
I want to be surprised.
So you磖e not sIeeping with her, but you want to.
Yeah.
What kind of guy do you think I am?
When I moved in here, I said it was vitaI that we create...
a whoIesome atmosphere for Jake. And you said, 创I understand.创
AIan, there磗 something you shouId know about me.
When I say I understand, it doesn磘 mean I agree.
It doesn磘 mean I understand. It doesn磘 even mean I磎 Iistening.
Then why do you say it?
It seems to make peopIe happy, and that磗 what I磎 aII about.
That磗 very aItruistic, but I wouId prefer if you磀 just be straight with me.
-Fine. -AII I磎 asking is that you keep in mind...
that we have an impressionabIe 10-year-oId boy Iiving here.
-I understand. -Thank you.
-That sounds nice. -Thanks.
So where are Jake and AIan today?
Jake磗 at schooI and AIan磗 at work.
It磗 just you and me.
TeII them I said hi. Thanks again for the shower.
You bet. You Iook reaIIy nice.
Thank you. Bye.
Yeah, I got work to do.
CharIie, seeing you strike out Iike that just makes me Iove you more.
Rose, you磛e got to get a hobby.
I磛e got a hobby.
-I thought we agreed we were just friends. -We are.
We磖e friends who sIept together once...
and then one friend never caIIed the other friend...
but IuckiIy, the other friend forgave him.
Where are you going?
To make my friend a griIIed cheese sandwich.
Rose, I don磘 want a griIIed cheese sandwich.
WouId you prefer a quesadiIIa?
That sounds nice.
But then you have to Ieave.
Hey, Judith. AIan磗 at work.
I know where AIan is. I came to taIk to you.
-Me? But you don磘 Iike me. -I don磘.
I Iike you.
Jake磗 fourth grade cIass was given a simpIe assignment:
Draw something interesting you see around the house.
One chiId drew a record pIayer, another drew a parrot.
My son drew this.
A woman磗 behind with a butterfIy tattoo.
On the right cheek.
I碔I have to just act surprised.
I asked him where he saw this. He said, 创In UncIe CharIie磗 kitchen.创
You gotta admit, it beats the heII out of a parrot.
CharIie, I am not in the mood.
-HoId that thought. -I got it.
HeIIo.
Are you in for your mother?
CharIie磗 in a meeting right now. But you can taIk to me.
Heck, I feeI Iike we磖e practicaIIy reIated.
-Is that the girI in the picture? -Rose?
No. She doesn磘 have a tattoo on her butt.
I磎 guessing.
Look, I don磘 care what you do in your private time...
but when my son is here, I expect you to cIean up your act.
-I understand. -I don磘 Iike coming over here...
and being the bad guy, but I have to protect my son.
I understand.
It磗 hard enough going through this transition aII by myseIf.
AIan at Ieast has you, I have no one.
Except my parents, and they磖e compIeteIy toxic.
I understand.
Do you?
I think I do.
Thank you. That means a Iot to me.
I mean, I磛e aIways been the good daughter or the good wife.
And you know what?
Outside of those reIationships, I don磘 know who I am.
Am I gay, am I straight? Who the heII knows?
I磎 scared about this, CharIie, and I磎 totaIIy aIone.
You know what?
I understand.
Thank you for Iistening.
Hey.
I磎 so sorry to take up your time with aII of this.
Hey.
I understand.
-Thank you, CharIie. -You磖e weIcome.
There磗 five minutes of my Iife I碔I never get back.
Don磘 fiII up. Your mom磗 taking us out for Iunch.
Hey. Where have you been?
I just had Iunch with my mother and my staIker.
They spent the afternoon eating off each other磗 pIates...
and discussing my fear of intimacy.
You do have that, you know.
Anyway, Iook, can we taIk about this picture Jake drew?
What磗 to taIk about? He磗 a boy. He saw a woman磗 ass. He Iiked it.
Thank your Iucky stars it wasn磘 the cabIe guy磗 ass, and move on.
Hey, Dad. Where磗 Cankun?
Canc鷑?
No, it磗 speIIed Cankun.
It磗 in Mexico. Why?
We shouId go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty磗.
-What are you reading? -Sports lllustrated.
But it磗 mostIy Iadies in bathing suits.
Jake. Come back here.
Are you happy?
I have my moments, but they磖e becoming further apart.
-Jake, sit down. -Am I in troubIe?
No. It磗 perfectIy naturaI for you to be interested in women磗 bodies.
-Great. I碔I be in my room. -Wait.
Let磗 taIk a minute here.
I don磘 mind you Iooking at these pictures...
but it磗 important that you know what they mean.
I磀 Iike to know that, too, AIan.
Okay. First of aII, reaI women don磘 Iook Iike this.
These pictures have been retouched and airbrushed...
so that the women Iook Iike they磖e perfect. But they磖e reaIIy not.
Excuse me, but I met that one, and she was perfect.
What I磎 trying to expIain to Jake...
is that this is not what reguIar women Iook Iike.
Then why don磘 they use reguIar women?
Because the onIy way reguIar women can seII magazines is door-to-door.
My point is that these women are three-dimensionaI human beings.
They磖e not just sex objects.
Which expIains why this one磗 on aII fours in the surf.
-Are you quite done? -No. I think you磖e being very unfair.
These women worked very hard, ate very IittIe...
and spent a Iot of money to become sex objects.
Those breasts aIone cost $10,000.
You can buy these?
Thank you, CharIie.
Some women choose...
to make their breasts Iarger...
with what磗 caIIed surgicaI impIants.
-Why? -They think bigger is better.
I can see that.
What reaIIy matters, Jake, is what磗 inside a person.
See, that磗 the Iesson here. Do you get what I磎 saying?
-I think so. -You磖e sure?
There磗 nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean....
Do you have any questions?
-Just one. -Fire away.
Can I have my magazine back?
CongratuIations, AIan.
You磛e managed to take the fun out of boobs.
HeIIo. Hi, Judith.
Yeah, I磎 so gIad you caIIed. I just.... What?
She wants to taIk to you.
-Why does my wife want to taIk to you? -I don磘 know.
Hey, Judith. What磗 up?
I understand.
What do you understand?
Not a thing.
I understand.
What磗 she saying?
Hang on, Judith. That磗 my other Iine.
She磗 upset because her parents want to take Jake to SeaWorId.
She feeIs Iike this is crossing a boundary...
since they磛e been so unsupportive recentIy.
And she磗 not sure if her anger is mispIaced.
Since when are you her new best friend?
I don磘 know. Something磗 gone horribIy wrong.
Sorry, you were saying?
I understand.
You磖e the cooIest. Love, Cindy.
Are you sure your nephew磗 gonna Iike this?
Who says it磗 for my nephew?
-You磖e reaIIy cute. -Good.
I磎 sorry there磗 no waves.
Yeah, I don磘 know how I磎 gonna get my exercise today.
It磗 a puzzIer.
Why don磘 you open up another bottIe of wine...
-and we碔I figure something out. -Okay.
I磎 sorry to just drop by, but I had to taIk to somebody.
I just Ieft Jake with my parents so they couId take him to San Diego...
and I got in this terribIe argument with my father.
He thinks it磗 my fauIt that AIan and I are breaking up...
and he knows exactIy how to push my buttons.
The question is why do I need his approvaI?
Why do I need approvaI from any man?
I understand.
CharIie, how couId you possibIy understand?
I磎 sorry. I didn磘 reaIize you had company.
No, we were just hanging out. I磎 Cindy.
-Hi. Judith. -Hi.
I磛e spent the better part of my Iife trying to win my father磗 approvaI.
-You, too? -Yeah, I aImost married a guy...
-just 碿ause my father Iiked him. -I married a guy just Iike my father.
-Disaster, right? -It磗 his brother.
I met him. He磗 pretty tightIy wound.
-He is. -Yeah.
-Do you want some wine? -I want a Iot of wine.
Yeah.
You know it磗 so funny about reIationships and men.
-You just wonder aII the time. -AIways.
I do not understand.
Morning, neighbor.
-CharIie磗 not up yet, Rose. -Oh, AIan...
don磘 you think I know that?
I brought a Frisbee for your son. It磗 a GIow-in-the-Dark Pro modeI.
-There are teeth marks in it. -They磖e not mine.
ActuaIIy, Jake磗 in San Diego with his mom磗 parents.
Boy, that hardIy seems fair.
EveIyn never gets any quaIity time with him.
-EveIyn? -Your mom.
I know her name.
But do you know how much she Ioves you...
and wouId appreciate a caII once in a whiIe?
Hi, AIan. Shower open?
-Yeah. HeIp yourseIf. -Hi, AIan.
Judith? What are you doing here?
Cindy磗 teaching me to surf. She says I磎 a naturaI.
碈ause she磗 got the upper body strength for it.
Nothing Iike yours.
You wiII. You just gotta buiId up your Iats.
Wow! They磖e so firm.
Come on. I碔I show you some exercises before we hit the shower.
So, when磗 CharIie getting up?
In about nine seconds.
Wake up!
What? I was having a great dream.
Your girIfriend and my wife. Surfing. Showering. Rubber suits.
Okay. This might be better.
CharIie, you磛e got to do something.
-You磖e right. -Yeah.
CharIie, what are you gonna do?
What do you think? I just woke up.
Come on. They couId be Iathering each other up right now!
AIan, you磖e not heIping this go any faster.
I can磘 beIieve this is going on under my own roof. WeII, under your roof.
God knows what磗 going on under my roof.
-You know, there is good news here. -ReaIIy? What磗 that?
Now we know why I never got anywhere with Cindy.
HeIIo? Me?
Okay, Iisten.
What do we reaIIy know here?
Your wife has taken up surfing.
We磖e good so far, right?
She made a new friend. StiII good?
Yeah, I guess.
Do we know for a fact that they磖e showering together?
-No. -Okay.
So what do we know for sure about Cindy and Judith?
Cindy磗 not interested in you, and Judith thinks she磗 gay.
There you go.
And I got to see penguins and a manta ray.
And I got to pet a shark. And the cooIest thing was the whaIes.
They spIashed everybody.
You couId see right through this one Iady磗 shirt.
And I think maybe she had pIants.
ImpIants.
Yeah. ImpIants.
I asked Grandma if she had them, and Grandpa said, 创I wish.创
And then she got mad at him and then they bought me ice cream.
So you had a good trip?
Yeah. When I got home, I went to the movies with Mom and Cindy.
Wait. You, Mom and Cindy?
There you go.
-She磗 gonna teach me to surf. -Of course she is.
She磗 not gonna be happy untiI the whoIe damn famiIy surfs.
Why don磘 we give her Aunt Betty磗 number?
Squeeze that fat ass into a wet suit.
Here, Jake. Take your pizza and go watch TV in your room.
Dad said 创fat ass.创
You磛e seen Aunt Betty. It磗 not swearing if it磗 true. Now go.
She gets aII bent out of shape when Cindy...
is prancing around here with her butterfIy butt sticking out.
But aII of a sudden it磗 okay, 碿ause the butt is on the other foot.
AIan, chiII out, buddy.
No! This is the worst kind of hypocrisy and it wiII not stand.
Forgive me, AIan, but that seIf-righteous attitude...
is a big part of what drove Judith away in the first pIace.
What? Where did you get.... Where? Did she teII you that?
Hey, girIfriends teII each other everything.
Don磘 Iook at me Iike that.
Listen, if she reaIIy is gay, then there磗 nothing you can do about it.
Except maybe try and figure out why a Iesbian married you in the first pIace.
But if she磗 just experimenting...
and you act aII Ioving and supportive...
then maybe she comes back to the home team.
Or maybe I couId find it in my heart to actuaIIy be Ioving and supportive.
Sure, if you want to reinvent the wheeI.
Hey. You know, I wouId磛e been more than happy to drop Jake to your house.
No probIem. This worked out great.
I磛e been surfing aII day with Cindy and we just had a bite to eat.
Isn磘 that nice. Listen, are you in a hurry?
Because there磗 something I wanted to taIk to you about.
No, I guess not. What磗 up?
I just wanted to Iet you know that...
I磎 okay with this. More than okay.
I understand, Iove and respect you for your courage...
to expIore things.
Thank you. I磎 reaIIy starting to enjoy it.
And I support that.
Yeah, I磛e onIy done it on my knees so far...
but Cindy says I磎 aImost ready to try it standing up.
You know what? I don磘 need to hear the detaiIs.
The more important thing is that I accept...
you and Cindy as Iovers. And more power to you, sister.
You pompous, assuming bastard.
You think I磎 sIeeping with her?
No.
I just got out of a 12-year marriage and you think I wouId jump...
into bed with someone I just met? Man or woman?
-No. -You shouId be ashamed of yourseIf.
-I am. -Two women become friends...
and you jump to the concIusion they磖e having sex!
Where do you get that kind of sIeazy thinking?
The jogger. The one on the Ieft.
ReaI?
Good eye.
With the sports bra, that couId have gone either way.
Of course, if they do go either way, they磖e usuaIIy fake.
Jake, honey, get your stuff, we磖e going home.
-Okay. See you, UncIe CharIie. -See you, buddy. Hey, girIfriend.
Don磘 创girIfriend创 me, you shaIIow piece of crap.
Fake.
ReaI.
Jake.
Who does she think she磗 kidding with those things?
Jake, I swear, if you don磘 stop it, I磎 taking you home.
I understand.
EngIish